


I Would Have Chose You

by clawofglory



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Angst and Tragedy, Dark, F/F, Mild Blood, Tragedy, Tragic Romance, h00k is dead
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-05
Updated: 2020-12-21
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:55:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 8
Words: 9,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26309671
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clawofglory/pseuds/clawofglory
Summary: S6 Split Queen, the Evil Queen confesses her love for Emma over Hook's dead body. This will crush you; you've been warned.
Relationships: "Hyde" Evil Queen/"Jekyll" Regina Mills, "Jekyll" Regina Mills/Emma Swan, Evil Queen | Regina Mills/Emma Swan
Comments: 16
Kudos: 62





	1. Chapter 1

Emma hears cackling inside her house. She walks in carefully, silently, until she comes to the kitchen and sees the Evil Queen making tea. "Oh, so glad you could finally join _us_ ," she says cheerfully.

Emma's eyes search the room until she sees it. Slumped over on the floor in the corner is Killian in a pool of blood. She rushes over to him, pulling him flush against her chest, murmuring "Please don't be dead. Please come back to me." She kisses him just to make sure she can't wake him.

"Why did you do this?" her voice booms through the empty house as tears streak her face. "Do you just want me to suffer?"

The Queen tilts her head back in hearty laughter. "Quiet the opposite. I don't want you to suffer anymore than Regina does."

"You're nothing like Regina!" the words coarse through her veins. Before Emma can control herself she has shoved the queen against the wall, hand harshly gripping her throat, chest heaving as she feels the queen's hot breath ghost across her lips.

"You don't have it in you," a devilish smirk appears upon the queen's lips as she dares Emma further. "We do like it rough, don't we?" her eyes glass over, causing Emma to let go.

"That's what I thought," she remarks straightening her clothes and begins fixing her hair.

"What did you mean when you said quite the opposite?" Emma asks backing away, fearing the answer.

"Oh," she smiles playing naive, twisting a lock on hair in finger, a Cheshire grin appearing on her face. She crosses over the room to where Hook lays, kicking him slightly, she replies, "You're too good for this one-handed wonder."

Emma had heard those words before. She looks down at floor. Her mind begins to spin.

The Queen approaches Emma and gently cups Emma's chin in her hand forcing Emma to look at her. "I did this for you," she pleads as Emma tries to turn from her grasp, pulling Emma in closer by her waist. "I love you," she says emphatically her eyes gleaming, this time letting Emma pull away after.

Emma feels sick to her stomach. She collapses on the floor, her head shaking, her hands trembling, a chorus of "no, no, no," leaving her lips.

The Queen looks down at Emma, her face painted with concern.

Emma eventually gains enough strength to stand, still trembling she forces herself to her feet. She stares the queen down, her voice hard and low as she growls "Get fuck out of my house!"

"Tsk, tsk. I did you a favor," she mutters as she waves her hands and disappears in purple smoke.

Emma still seething with rage, and teeming with disbelief calls Regina. Emma's tone is clipped as she seethes, "Regina, how do you feel about me?"

Regina remains silent for a moment, utterly perplexed by not only the unspoken question being voiced but the harsh tone in which it was asked. She clarifies, "What do you mean?"

"Regina, answer the question," Emma commands.

"What's going on? Are you okay?" Regina asks her voice hurried, trying to make sense of Emma's urgency. "I'm coming over."

Regina appears in the kitchen. She freezes when she notices Killian's body in the corner. It felt like her heart sunk below her stomach pulling her whole body to the floor. "She did this, didn't she," it wasn't a question.

Emma huffs as she runs a hand through her hair, "Is it true?"

Regina finds herself unable to meet Emma's eyes as she stands. The inability to form coherent words overtakes her senses as one of her worst nightmares enfolds her.

"Dammit Regina! A man is dead because of you!" Emma screams.

"I didn't do this!" Regina counters incredulous.

"She's a fucking part of you!" Emma screams into Regina's face, who flinches but has no retort.

"You're such a coward. God, you're such a coward, hiding behind your magic. Maybe you and Gold are meant for each other. You were too scared to deal with your past. Well, grow up, Regina! Everybody's done shit they regret, but the rest of us just learn to deal with it. But no, you just cut it out and let it run free, doing your dirty work for you."

"That's not fair," Regina says quietly.

"You know what's not fucking fair?! That I have to find out about your feelings from her over the corpse of my boyfriend. How's that for fair! God, you were too scared to trust me! You couldn't just tell me?! You couldn't trust me with your feelings. What did you think I would do, laugh in your face!?"

"I - I didn't want to make things more complicated, okay?" Regina flounders.

"But you know what? Ya did," Emma runs her hands though her hair. "You know what the funniest thing is? And get ready for it cuz it's fucking funny. I would have chose you. God! I would have chose you, Regina. I would have chose you." Emma just shakes her head on the verge of laughing and crying. "Just like my mom I guess... ha, that's funny too," Emma says realizing the irony as she says it aloud. "She- she told a secret and your love died. And you, well you, kept a secret and my love died. It's a big fucking circle jerk."

Regina's chest heaves as she thinks of all the times she almost told Emma. All the helplessness she has fought so hard to avoid washes over her. She grieves for the relationship they could have had. That they will never.

"How long have you wanted him dead?" Emma probes angrily, pulling Regina from her self destruction spiral.

"I didn't want him dead," Regina says coldly.

"Wrong answer. She wouldn't have done it, if it wasn't what you wanted. She's you without all the heady second guessing herself," Emma says, her voice hard. "You told me your first instinct is kill and ask questions later-"

"Emma, this isn't helping you," Regina replies concerned.

"How. Long." Emma repeats.

"Dammit Emma! What do you me to say?" Regina cries. "Yes, fine, I wanted him gone!" she breaks. "Are you happy? Are you fucking happy? I was glad when he died the first time. I was glad when we left him in the underworld. And when he walked into Granny's, I wanted to rip the beating heart from his chest and squash it with my heel!" Regina's anger now matching Emma's own. She pauses and breathes, trying slow the heaving of her heart as it breaks.

Emma's breathing slows too, her eyes hard, but Regina can see tears forming inside them. "Tell Henry, I love him," is all she says as she walks away.

Regina reaches out her hand to grab Emma's, but Emma just pulls it free. She looks back and says, "Lucky you, you've managed to ruin my life twice," before slamming the door.

The words leaving Regina numb as she just stares at the door, wishing for a different ending, the emptiness of the house choking her with mocking echo of the feint whistle from the long forgotten tea kettle.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back by popular demand. Thanks dears <3
> 
> trigger warning for mentions of past abuse and suicidal idealization.

Regina feels numb upon the slamming of the door behind Emma. She huffs as she tries to make sense of the world. She doesn't doubt that Emma's not coming back, so she figures she best clean up _H_ _er_ mess here. She walks over to where Hook is crumbled over lifeless in the corner and magics him over to her vault, so they can bury him come morning. She feels guilty about being rather unaffected to gaze upon Hook's lifeless form, only mad that _She_ did it and that Emma is crushed.

Regina helps herself to Emma's liquor cabinet and slides down onto the kitchen floor cradling the tumbler as she wraps her hands around her knees. The liquid scorches her throat, a respite from tension making her muscles constrict. She chokes out another sob and chucks the empty tumbler at the wall. If only tonight had been a nightmare.

~0~

Regina finds Emma pacing at the town line. She's running a hand through her blond locks as the blood gleams off her tank top in the moonlight. "Stay the hell away from me," Emma yells shakily. Regina makes no move to come any closer.

"You killed my fiance!" she pleads crying, her body shaking from too much emotion.

"THAT WASN'T-" Regina begins to shout a denial back, but the rest of the sentence dies with lump in her throat. She exhales continuing calmer, "I know. I'm sorry."

"SORRY CHANGES NOTHING!" Emma screams, throwing her hands to her sides in frustration. "And you know what the fucked up part is? The really fucked up part: that here I am alone and angry and confused and scared and you know who I want to comfort me to make it all better?! You! Dammit, Regina! I want you..." the words tapped off with a sob as Emma collapses upon the ground. "And you really can't help, can you?" Emma shakes her head somberly. Then she looks up at Regina with large hopeful eyes, daring Regina to disagree.

Regina doesn't answer, but instead sits down on the grass next to Emma in silence. Emma's hand picks and twirls blades of grass until it falls enfold with Regina's hand that she had propped herself up with.

"How did you know I would be here?" Emma asks so quiet Regina almost doesn't hear it.

"I know you, Emma. I really know you," she echoes her words that seem like from a lifetime ago. A defeatist fact that takes on a new bitterness now. Regina breaks the silence that had then followed by clearing her throat and announcing awkwardly devoid of her normal poise, "I didn't just come here to apologize."

Emma face quirks, as she continues. "I- I came to offer myself." Emma's eyes grow wide with anger and misunderstanding as she yanks her hand back. "Not like that," Regina laughs softly in spite of herself. "To help you, go get him back, I mean," she clarifies. "I'll go- we can go- to the underworld. We can bring him back! We did it before. Let's go!" Regina voice betrays a desperate excitement. She pushes herself to stand, offering a hand down to Emma.

"No!" Emma replies forcefully, the shock of the reverberance causing Regina to flinch. "You really don't get it do you? We can't just bring him back! He never wanted that! I can't do that to him again, don't you understand!? You can't just make this all go away! " Emma shouts as she brings herself to standing. "God, Regina..." Emma breathes out, the breath turning into a shaky laugh. "You - you can't fix this. You are so broken, you can't even see. So just shove this down where you put all your other horrible deeds and leave me the hell alone!"

Regina looks like she's on the verge of tears as she bites her lip. She offers a timid reply, "If that's what you want..."

"Yeah, it fucking is," Emma confirms.

Regina takes one last, long look at the woman she loves. "I really do love you. Sorry I never got a proper chance to say it..." she says sadly, before disappearing in a purple plume of smoke. _Maybe if i loved you less I might be able to talk about it more_...

Emma scuffs the ground with her boot, frustrated and angry but most of all lost.

~0~

Regina returns home, about to hurl herself onto her bed in a fit of tears, when she notices the Evil Queen filing her nails in the chair next to her bed.

"This is my room!" Regina groans.

"It was also my room too, or have you forgotten?" the Queen replies with a smirk, removing herself from the chair.

Regina shoves the Queen up against the wall, her hand around the Queen's neck. The Queen only smirks, remembering this not being the only time this night in this position.

Regina's chest heaves in anger and Queen's in something else entirely. "I could kill you," Regina snarls.

"Ah, but you won't," the Queen tuts.

Regina reaches in and grabs the Queen's heart from her chest. The Queen arches into her touch. "Try me," Regina hisses, her eyes ablaze.

The Queen dips her head back to laugh darkly. Regina tightens the grip on her throat.

The Queen reaches out to stroke the back of her palm along Regina's cheek and jawline. Regina's grip at her throat goes slack and Regina's face contorts in anguish as she retracts her hand to pull the Queen's away.

They remain in standoff, breathing each other's breath. Regina squeezes the heart now, desperate for control. Both buckle over in pain. "You don't have it in you," the Queen bellows. "You wouldn't leave Henry without any mother, now would you?"

"Don't speak about Henry!" Regina grinds out, squeezing the heart further.

"I love Henry, and Daniel, and Emma and you," the last word choking out much quieter than the first, causing Regina's hold on the heart to let up. "Why does everyone keep thinking I'm incapable of love?!" the Queen pleads. "Everything I've ever done was for love! I protected you! I endured every thrust with the king FOR YOU! Do you know what disassociating is? You watched it from above- happening to someone else! Who the hell do you think that someone else was!? Who held you back every time you wanted to throw yourself over the banister and have your cranium cascade all over the sidewalk?! I DID! I'm not the one with suicidal idealization! I'm the one with preservation instinct! So Emma would have married the pirate, then what? You smile through the ceremony, tell Emma she looks beautiful, kiss Henry on the head, then take an eternal nap?! Or if you are feeling particularly dissolute, squash your own heart to end the pain? You- you need me," her voice breaks, "and you just threw me away like trash! I had to protect you, like I've always done. Without me inside you, you could not have survived... so I intervened..." the Queen finishes flippantly, smacking her hands together.

"YOU! You're just like her- just like Mother!" Regina protests. "You just want to dictate my whole life! You've got it all planned out! Going around killing people for MY future. Making _my_ decisions for me. Thinking I can't handle it! Like I don't know what I want or need!"

"I- I am nothing like Mother!" the Queen avows angrily. "Love is not weakness. I was simply protecting you! Like I always have to do..." The Queen raises her head up to meet Regina's eyes. "He deserved everything that became of him. He left us to die! Or don't you remember!? You were disassociating!" she screams, begging Regina to understand. To maybe even forgive her. "I did this for you! So you could finally get the happy ending you always dreamed of! I did it, so you wouldn't have to. You could be happy..." she attempts to smile as voice trails off, her tear stricken face gleaming in the lamp light.

Regina looks down at the blackened heart still within her hand and the larger than life Queen who has collapsed onto the bed in a fit of tears, feeling tears grace her own face.

"It doesn't work like that," Regina contends softly, joining her on the bed placing the heart back into the Queen's own hands. The Queen sucks a shaky breath in. She looks over at Regina through tear doused lashes. Regina smiles tenderly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> May continue, if desired, but be advised that likely would enter into MayorQueen territory for the time being involving some shapeshifting so there's that picture.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> MayorQueen <3

_"It doesn't work like that," Regina contends softly, joining her on the bed placing the heart back into the Queen's own hands. The Queen sucks a shaky breath in. She looks over at Regina through tear doused lashes. Regina smiles tenderly._

In that moment with Regina, the Queen feels seen, herself in entirety, even the parts buried deep that call out when she can’t sleep, finally looked upon like something worth cherishing. A gaze she hasn’t felt in a long time, since before the scars and terrors.

The Queen leans over, closing the space between them, pressing her lips to Regina’s. The shy taste quickly turns into a fervorish frenzy. Every touch sent pain prickling through her body, her skin greedy for the contact. Suddenly the Queen learns back as if burned by the touch. “You’re not kissing me,” she demands hot headed from the exchange. She lets her breath catch before continuing much smaller, “I thought you wanted this,” she offers quietly. “You- you looked at me, like that… like someone who thought I was precious.”

“No – I – uh- you’re fine,” Regina fumbles looking away from the Queen, brushing her skirt straight before standing. “There’s residual energy-“ Regina clears her throat, “between us.” Regina stands and turns to leave. "Anyway, you're right," she concedes, her back to the Queen as she heads to the door. "This was too your room. I'll go sleep in the guest room." Regina hesitates as she reaches the threshold, biting her lip as her hand hovers over the doorknob. She turns to glance back at the Queen, taking in the expression her Queen makes at her departure, not one of stoic false bravado but of a much younger Regina, full of yearning, lost and drowning.

Before she can stop herself, she's shoving the Queen down on the mattress, claiming her lips in an impulsive kiss. It's desperate and sloppy. There's too much tongue and teeth. The pair jostle for positions.

Regina's brain suddenly catches up with her body and she freezes. The Queen looks down on her with concern across her features. "Don't worry, dear. No judgment here. It’s been a big day, why don’t you let me take the edge off?" the Queen speaks in hushed tones, caressing Regina's cheek at her words. "It’s not like we haven’t been through this before. It's really no different, except with more tongues," the Queen reasons with a devilish smile. Regina's face flushes at the suggestion. “But if you don’t want this, I’ll stop,” her voice dripping as she strokes her finger along the edge of Regina’s collar.

“Don’t stop,” Regina’s breathy words emanate.

…

The Queen reveled in having such control over her other half, having Regina in the palm of her hand like this. Abruptly the Queen stops and looks up. "You're thinking about Emma," she states evenly, as if merely noting a bland observation about Regina's decorating choices. The Queen scrutinizes Regina’s face as it contorts in guilt. “It’s okay,” she adds quickly shushing Regina, as she gently brushes back some sweaty strands of hair from Regina's forehead. "I meant it: no judgement," the Queen's words taking a more serious tone than the occasion requires, causing Regina to believe, it refers to many things. Regina must have looked dazed, for the Queen continued chastising, “You're thinking too much- thinking when you should be _feeling_." She lets the word roll off her tongue in luscious waves. "Is that better?" she asks as she takes on the form of Storybrooke's missing savior.

Regina's mixed gaze falls upon her and she offers pointedly, "Now, now, is this really more invasive than picturing her?" The Queen pauses waiting for Regina's response, before lilting, "Now, where was I?" as blonde hair cascades across Regina's stomach.

~0~

"You know, it's a rather sensual hobby stealing hearts. Your hand hovering over women’s chests as you tell yourself your eyes are a blaze with bloodlust, when we all know it's the other kind. Then you dig your hand in, grazing across her breast. It thrills me," the Queen gushes maniacally. "It's such a pity when I have to kill men," she pouts.

"This is really what you think about before you go sleep?" Regina asks raising an eyebrow.

"Homicide and intercourse- not just before bed, dear," the Queen tuts. "I must say, today I'm rather satiated with both, don't you think?" she asks with a wicked smile.

Regina's stomach knots and her chest constricts as she remembers what began this all. She should be fuming at her other self for taking this drastic course of action, for chasing away her Emma, but the reality of these feelings hasn’t fully processed and now her brain is full of endorphins and things feel lighter, distorting her anger and the view of her darker self. She understands why, but she doesn’t want to. She doesn’t want to condone it. Doesn't want to be happy about it. Doesn’t want it to be real. Emma would have chosen her if she had taken that chance. Now Emma hates her. _Sooner or later, I’m going to have to think about it, and then I’m going to be a real mess._

The Queen senses Regina's uneasiness through the dark room. Biting back a joke about what she knows Regina thinks about before bed (not unicorns and paperwork) to level the high horse, she continues more candidly. "You miss Emma," she presumes. “I do too,” the Queen murmurs, a moment of vulnerability before it’s quickly masked by her voice taking on its normal lilting quality. "Here, come cuddle *Emma,*" she cooes, instantly changing back as she pulls Regina flush against her by the waist. "My darling," she whispers affectionately brushing her lips against the shell of Regina’s ear. Regina feels so many feelings, the least of which is probably missing Emma, but she can’t bring herself to pull away from the warm body that wants to hold her close, when she feels so broken. _You know when to hold me, and when to let me hold you, even when the hurt is the same._ How can hands cold with blood, hold her so warm?

“Are you upset with me?” the Queen pouts breaking the silence that had enveloped the room.

“Yes,” Regina answers and leaves it at that, her tired brain unable to explain the severity of situation she's yet to comprehend herself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Possibly planning for a few more chapters, if people like this direction. Let me know!  
> Thanks for reading, lovelies <3


	4. Chapter 4

“You know they’ll be looking for you,” Regina remarks as she fixes her hair in the bathroom mirror.

"Obviously, I can’t very much stay like this," the Queen lashes. "I'm sure by now you've told little porcelain face about the pirate's death being my fault." And Regina does remember a hoarse phone call late last night doing just that sometime between cleaning the kitchen and tracking down Emma.

“Maybe I should just stay like this,” the Queen offers, spinning around back in Emma’s form. “You like?” she grins suggestively.

“No one would believe you’re Emma,” Regina retorts, ignoring the Queen’s implications, as she puts on her lipstick.

“Oh, I can be Emma,” the Queen darkens, before putting on her best Emma impression. “I’m a repressed lesbian dating the pathetic male version of the woman I’m in love with, so that my parents will love me. I’m so alone. I have so many fears of abandonment from my childhood as an orphan. I’m exhaustingly noble, even though I’m clueless. Now I’m going to go rush into something, and if it goes bad, I’ll just run away like I always do. I don’t need anyone, even though secretly all I want is love.”

“You’re so bad,” Regina rolls her eyes.

“Besides, Emma has suffered *a great loss* I’m sure a personality variance is to be expected,” the Queen states flippantly as she ghosts a hand across Regina’s back to reach around her to grab the bottle of perfume on the counter, causing Regina a quick intake of breath. “She’s not coming back, is she?” the Queen casually asks for assurance.

“Emma’s not coming back. She looked so lost. She gazed right through me, like she planned to never see me again,” Regina recounts as she shallows the lump forming in her throat.

“Then I guess this works,” the Queen replies with seemingly little interest. “Hand me the lipstick?” the Queen requests. “I want to smear across your inner thighs later,” she smirks.

"You talk about sex a lot," Regina notes, her eyes focused on applying mascara in the mirror.

"Well we all can't be repressed chaste puppies, Regina. You've shared a bed with her, a woman who you've clearly wanted to jump her bones, yet you kept your hands to yourself," the Queen tuts, reminding Regina of their road trips with Emma. The Queen chooses this moment to lazily drape herself across Regina. The Queen now more clingy than predatory. Regina gently pushes her and the train of thought away. Regina bites back a haughty comment about being open for fear the Queen indiscriminately throws it right back at her.

“About that-“ Regina reproaches. “I don’t think that’s such a good idea. We -we shouldn’t have. I was maybe a little intoxicated and not thinking straight with all that was going on-“ The Queen snorts. Regina concedes the point with shy smile to her feet. “Anyway, I think it’s best if we don’t-“

“Fine,” the Queen sharply cuts off her excuses, turning quickly to leave so Regina can’t see the expression of hurt painted on her face. She stops at the door, schooling her features before spinning back. “Do you regret it?” she eyes Regina.

Regina tenses at the question before she offers a quiet “No,” attempting to keep the emotion out of her voice. “Now it’s out of your system,” she says wiping her hands on each other as if her actions had cleaned up some kind of mess, as opposed to made one. “It’s not like you can go around in this town freely sleeping with people now,” she rationalizes.

“No, I suppose not,” the Queen agrees.

“And it’s not like you can go around as Emma sleeping with people, tarnishing her good name and,” she continues speaking much too fast.

The Queen eyes her pointedly. Regina snorts, indignant at the Queen’s obtuseness in not seeing how that’s different. “Well, I knew you weren’t Emma,” she retorts.

“Didn’t sound like that last night…” the Queen points out, her voice rising in a lilt, to Regina’s chagrin.

“You’re insufferable,” Regina huffs as she knocks past the Queen in the doorway to leave.

_You’re so annoying you, you pitiful woman. I’d like to help you, but I don’t know if I can. I thought you were nuts, but you’re really really nuts. Everytime I move eventually you'll find me and start hanging around. Just another lame excuse to see me mad, it’s getting me down. You know I’m actually glad to see you, maybe I’m the one who’s…_

~0~

The funeral was small and quiet, mostly organized by Snow. *Emma* clings to Regina as Henry flanks her other side in a half-hug. They stand on the damp grass as a chill brushes through the air, echoing the emptying feeling that lurks in Regina’s chest as the lower the coffin into the ground.

The story Regina spun was that they, her and Emma, chased the Evil Queen out of town, a magically sparring that sparing details made sure she would not return.

Regina’s heart tugs at attending another one of Hook’s funerals. She wonders how the real Emma is doing, what she is doing, desperately hoping that she’s okay and not in a ditch somewhere. Her eyes glaze over with the ghost of their past together, all the almosts they’ve had. She cries, not for Hook, but for Emma. Because she was as good as dead to Emma now. Regina must have been lost in her thoughts too long because suddenly Henry is nudging her and she looks around to find that everyone else has already left.

They head to Granny’s afterward for a celebration of life. *Emma* gets passed from person to person in a sea of bland hugs, like a buoy lost in the waves. Archie pats her back gently and offers her his services if she ever wants to talk. The Queen politely declines as she slips away. All these people being friendly to her makes her feel uneasy.

Regina speaks in hushed tones with Snow about logistics. How Emma doesn’t want to return to the scene of the crime and how maybe it’s best that she stays with her and Snow keep Henry for the time being.

“You’re really very good,” Regina remarks to the Queen when they are finally alone in the car returning home. “You portray sadness well.”

“You really think I’m not?” Something akin to a laugh escaped the Queen’s lips, a breathy exhale that held no warmth or humor, but bore a deep sorrow. “What do I have in my life that would suggest otherwise? There’s such a profound sadness and loneliness to madness that comes with magic. Magic, madness, and sadness it’s a trinity, really. I find it best to focus on the madness, but that doesn’t mean the sadness is ever truly gone.” The Queen tries to blink away the overwhelming emotion that had briefly taken hold of her.

“Oh,” Regina replies sullen to hear the larger than life version of herself explicate their pain so precisely.

“Let’s talk about other things, dear,” the Queen requests delicately, her voice thick with emotion. Regina focuses her eyes on the road, adverting them from the shifting frame beside her trying best to hold herself together.


	5. Chapter 5

Since their vulnerable exchange, the Queen keeps her distance and Regina is pleased for the reprieve from dealing with her caustic other half. Her mind’s focus drifts always to Emma.  
Regina feels so lost without Emma. Her hands are restless; her mind is aimless. Sleep evades her and she finds herself in the car at three A.M.  
She sighs at her own stupidity. If Emma doesn’t want to be found, she won’t be. And Regina knows Emma doesn’t want to be found, least of all by her. Regina wonders if the Queen thinks on Emma as much as she does.   
If she saw Emma right now, she doesn’t even know what she would do or say. Her hands would tangle in her lap and her mouth would go dry upon seeing Emma’s visage. Nothing would change.  
On sunny days, she goes out walking, ending up on another tree-lined street. She looks up at the gaps of sunlight and misses Emma more than anything. The bright sun shines a mockery of her pain, but it draws her in like a moth to the flame.  
Alone with herself, the trees bend their caresses. The shade hugs the weary heart. She walks briskly on, attempting to hold her head strong.  
The trees see so many things, people pasting by, in pain, in love, in mundanity, with uncontrolled and uncalculated expressions. They keep these secrets in their leaves and when the feel becomes too much to bare, they drop themselves plain for the world to see. Trees are funny things, Regina thinks, as she wonders if Emma has ever walked this route. 

~0~ Some many days later  
They had fought yesterday. Doors were slammed. Foots were stomped. Empty threats were made. Regina had been trapped in thought, a loop of wishing the Queen never existed outside herself, focused on the fact that she ruined everything for her. Emma would have chosen her. The argument had been bubbling under the surface biding its time inside Regina’s brain, marking its days. Some obnoxious comment the Queen made off handedly threw the bomb into the fire. Regina shouted and the Queen, never known to backdown from a fight, jeered, “Well I wouldn’t have had to kill him, if you would have just spoken with Emma!” As if she was doing Regina some kind of service.  
Regina returned the barb with, “NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE YOU!” from the top of her lungs.  
The Queen cackled at that defiantly, but Regina could recognize that she was rattled by the haunting truth of the statement.  
Regina still felt guilty today, hurling her own insecurities at herself did not have the intended effect.  
The queen rasps on the door gently, peeking over the width of the door as she opens it slowly.  
“I know you think I sneer at love, lauding bloodshed,” she sits on the bed of the guest room next to where Regina is curled up, “but isn’t everything we do, just so that we can be loved a little more?” the Queen remarks blithely. It shades all of her past pathetic moments with a new layer of depth and brings a bitter sweet feeling to her later failings.  
Regina stares at her inquisitively. Regina observes her parallel form, noting how gentle her features are when she isn’t so guarded.   
The Queen confesses openly brash and haughty, aiming to regain her decorum, laid bare by vulnerability of her previous statement. “Snow ripped that from me. Hook ripped that from me. I will kill them all! Anyone who tries to stand in the way of MY happiness!” Madness, madness safter than sadness. Madness only hurts others; sadness only hurts yourself. They were two sides of a coin tethered by magic. Sadness and madness. This magic keeps me alive, but it’s driving me crazy. If I try to save you, who’s going to save me?  
Regina senses the feeble attempt at hostility for what it was, but lets it go not wanting to cause further damage, as her own features soften at the harsh words coming from a place of such profound pain. The Queen’s threats only ring empty in her ears as she clasps her counterpart’s hand gently.

~0~

“Do you feel whole, having me around? I mean,” the Queen asks changing the subject.  
“Don’t answer that,” the Queen insists, sensing Regina’s likely rejection. “We should go for a stroll,” the Queen suggests giddy. “I want to hold your hands in mine.”  
On their walk she glances over feeling Regina’s eyes upon her. There’s that tender look again. Maybe it was always pity. “You need to stop finding me so tame. I want to suck out your eyeballs and rip out your throat,” the Queen threatens.  
“No, you don’t,” Regina dares to say, her tone playful.  
“No, I don’t,” the Queen confirms, sulkily pouting her bottom lip.


	6. Chapter 6

Henry joins them for dinner. The mood is stilted as Regina tries to make casual conversation and *Emma* stares off into space, swirling the food around her plate with her spoon, occasionally casting a weak smile over in Henry’s direction.

Earlier she had been so giddy about how lovingly Henry looked at her, that her enthusiasm made him uneasy, so she holds herself back painfully, keeping her distance from the boy. He can’t know. He still looks at her fondly, she can’t lose that.

*Emma* retires upstairs for the night. Afterward Henry approaches his other mother closely. “Mom, can I talk about something sensitive with you?” he sheepishly asks Regina.

“Of course, dear,” she ruffles his hair and pulls him closer to her chest.

“It’s about Emma. She’s- she’s different,” Henry speaks quietly, embarrassed by the thoughts he voices about his mother to his other mother.

“Henry, dear,” Regina sighs. “Emma lost someone very important to her. She’s feeling dejected and distraught. Of course, she doesn’t seem like herself.”

“Still,” Henry replies as if he already knows all that. “I think it’s something more. Have you noticed anything out of the ordinary?”

“No, dear,” she works hard to keep her voice even in the right octave. “Emma will be fine,” she confirms placing a hand reassuringly on his shoulder, as she hopes she speaks truth. Her mind spiraling down all the paths Emma could have taken since leaving Storybrooke.

“If you say so, but something just feels off and I’m gunna find out,” Henry assures.

“Just be careful. What she needs right now is not your prying eyes, but our comfort and unyielding support. I don’t want you to cause her anymore pain. She’s very delicate right now, Henry. Don’t go pushing buttons that don’t need to be pushed,” Regina reproaches, her stomach squirming in guilt at not applying the same comforts to the real Emma. A torment that causes Regina to toss and turn at night, unable to quiet her raging mind as she fits the sheets lost in how this all went wrong.

~0~

“I hate lying to Henry,” Regina confesses staring at the celling at night, from the bed they are now sharing platonically Regina having invited her after last night’s anguish. “He asked about you,” she clarifies. “He’s not convinced you’re really Emma. Quote: Something just feels off and I’m gunna find out.”

“Smart kid,” the Queen chuckles. “If it comes down to it, I want you to throw me under the bus. Claim you had no knowledge that I wasn’t who I say I am. Be dumb; act duped. They’ll believe I outsmarted you; you’ve rather dim witted and pathetic without me.”

“Thanks,” Regina replies sardonically, turning away and making a big show of huffing into her pillow.

“Don’t take offense,” the Queen replies pragmatically. “I just want what’s best for you.” The Queen turns away from Regina, and then murmurs, “You were right before. No one will ever love me.”

The words haunted Regina throughout the night. She wanted to console her other half but knowing herself drawing attention to this rare admission would only cause more pain.

~0~ Emma POV

_Do I care if I survive this, bury the dead where they're found  
In a veil of great surprises I wonder did you love me at all?_

Every waking moment drinking up and down the eastern seaboard. Missing Hook, have some rum. Missing Regina, take a shot. Feel guilty about missing the woman who killed the other person you’re missing, take another shot. Passing out in dive bars. My face has seen too many floors.

_Daniel's message, blood of the moon on us all_

She told me that Daniel told her to love again. Was any of this real? Shot.

_The only thing that keeps me from cutting my arm  
Cross hatch, warm bath, Holiday Inn after dark_

Going home with darkly clad brunettes unknown. Clutching fistfuls of dark hair, knowing it will never be yours beneath my grasp. My body’s been through too many doors.

 _The only thing that keeps me from driving this car  
Half-light, jack knife into the canyon at night  
_  
I hate her. I want to hate her. I hate her so much that it makes me sick. I hate it when she lies. Even worse when she makes me cry. But mostly I hate the way that I can’t hate her. It kills me. It makes me want to tear myself in two. Maybe I understand something. But that’s still not something you do.

_The only reason why I continue at all  
Faith in reason, I wasted my life playing dumb  
Blind faith, good grace, nothing else left to impart_

I could never forgive you. I’ve believed in you too many times.

_Should I tear my eyes out now? Everything I see returns to you somehow_

I can’t even look at my Goddamn car without thinking of all the times we’ve been in it. How you made fun of my choice in yellow then went out and bought a yellow umbrella. Now I see you in the color yellow. The vivid dreams make me scream. Even the sun makes me think of you.   
_  
Should I tear my heart out now? Everything I feel returns to you somehow_

I froze when I noticed, really looked at the Hispanic woman beneath me. It’s all a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy. A bad imitation, a lousy situation. Your name rolls off my lips, with every woman that I kiss. But it’s you, who I swore I’d never miss. You’re the one who ruined this. I wonder if she thinks on me.   
_  
Should I tear my arms out now, I wanna feel your touch_  
But everything’s too much.

Thoughts of loving Regina bring bouts of simultaneous relief and nausea, like an addict consciously aware of their choices, yet powerless to do anything to fight the pull, if they even would want to at all.

I shouldn’t have to be the one who makes up with you, so why do I want to?  
  


~0~

Before she even realizes where she is going, she sees the scenery of the familiar highway.

Regina and *Emma* sit across from each other eating breakfast at Granny’s in an attempt of normalcy. Henry slides down next to them, babbling on about school. Regina stares at her counterpart as she butters her toast. The Queen keeps turning backwards, glancing at the door, as if expecting something to happen.

The Queen languidly sops up her egg with toast, reveling in the way the yoke breaks and bleeds, causing a yellow waterfall on her plate. Hook looked like that too, she remembers fondly.

The Queen stares warmly at Henry from over her matching hot coco. She focuses, really focus on his face, memorizing the contours, and noticing the way his smile crinkles his eyes when he looks at her with such love. And she feels bitterly aware that that little intimacy would not be offered to her if she wasn’t magically cloaked and she sighs. Being Emma is just too much for her. It’s freeing to be this openly sad, but all these people, the way they treat her so well, only illuminates the deep disparaging wedge between how they treat the former Dark One verses the Evil Queen. Gauging the Queen’s emotional distress, Regina eyes her cautiously, before the Queen quickly schools her expression, smiling cloyingly pleasant back at Regina.

*Emma* turns to Henry. “My darling boy, my sweet Henry, I love you so much,” her voice breaking as she ruffles his hair.

Henry looks at her strangely, unaware the reason for this sudden affection, but then relaxes and pulls her in for a half hug. Regina self-consciously looks down feeling invasive being there in their little private moment.

The Queen tenses in his arms, bracing for what comes next. The door to Granny’s swings open and in walks the real Emma Swan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lyrics from Sufjan Stevens


	7. Chapter 7

_The Queen tenses in his arms, bracing for what comes next. The door to Granny’s swings open and in walks the real Emma Swan._

Emma saunters over to the bar and orders a grilled cheese. Granny takes her order thoughtlessly without noticing the parallel Emma sitting across the diner with Regina.

Regina takes a sharp intake of breath upon seeing the real Emma Swan in the flesh. She feels lightheaded, for more than one reason. Henry continues chomping away on his breakfast oblivious. The Queen’s fingers’ twitch and tap wildly on the table as she waits for the fall.

Grumpy and some other dwarves are eating mutton and eggs in the corner. Suddenly he drops his leg and his eye balls pop from left to right landing the two Emma figures. His voice booms, “TWO EMMA SWANS! TWO EMMA SWANS!” He runs frantically around the diner then out the door with his news.

Emma stands skeptically on guard as she eyes the other Emma her hand reaching instinctively toward her holster. Henry shifts away from *Emma* and slides proactively into Regina’s arms. “Ma?” he questions to *Emma* in disbelief. He didn’t want to be right. He doesn’t want to be right.

“You beautiful, brilliant boy, I’m so sorry,” the Queen smiles sadly at him. “I always knew this bliss was temporary,” the Queen intones her breath sharp against her throat as she glances over toward Regina.

Regina magics Henry home to keep him safe from what she can only assume will be dangerous struggle, not that anyone would hurt Henry but he could get caught in the crossfire. She bends down to be level with him, and tells him to stay in the house no matter what and don’t let anyone in. He nods, but tries to argue. She shuts down his pleas and makes it known she is deadly serious in her command.

She returns back to Granny’s to find the Queen jumping around the tabletops, kicking plates to the floor in crashes, as Granny shots at her with a cross bow and she laughs. The real Emma Swan is nowhere to be seen.

Soon Granny’s is stormed by Snow White and her gang. Snow White invites the Queen outside and she comes willingly, throwing a wave over her shoulder to the old woman. Regina scurries after them all. 

“You forgot your floaties. I can handle this without you, dear,” the Queen says magically flinging Regina safely aside from the action.

Many men with swords come at her from all sides. Grumpy’s town crying had gathered the troops. The Queen releases a primal evil crackle from the back of her throat as she throws her magic around. The men swing their hilts in display of their skill.

The Queen paces around like a cat ready to strike. She pounces in a dwarf’s face and yells, “Boo,” as she blows magic in his face causing him to collapse in sleep. She smiles down at her handwork cackling all the way. The battle rages on, no one makes any headway on the Queen. They swing their blades, slashing, crashing, but she lazily deflects them all with a wave as she yawns and flips her hair.

An arrow hisses from Snow’s bow aimed perfectly towards her chest, the Queen catches it with a fist and laughs, mocking Snow. “You think you could finally defeat me!”

“No I didn’t,” Snow grins. The Queen’s face contorts in confusion. What’s Snow playing at? As she tries to work out what she is up to, she suddenly feels it, an arm snaked around her throat from behind as blond tresses tease her face and a cuff it slapped onto her wrist.

“If it had to be someone, I’m glad it’s you,” the Queen intones slyly, craning her head to try and look at Emma.

Emma just shoves her away. “She’s all yours, Mom,” she yells as she turns to leave.

“I’m sorry I killed Hook!” the Queen screams at Emma’s retreating form, but it’s more of a stifled cry that causes her to collapse upon the ground. “I’m sorry I hurt you! LOOK AT ME!” her desperate plea echoes with the raging waves of her psyche. Emma continues to walk away leaving the Queen gazing at her back as she controls her gait to carefully mask the quaking in her soul.

They drag the Queen off, cuff securely on her arm, rending her useless, if she had any fight left in her she could still physically struggle, but she doesn’t, not when she saw the pain present in Emma’s face, the pain she caused. Death will be a sweet relief.

~0~

“I know you feel like you love her, Regina. But she tricked you. She tricked all of us. And if we let her live it will just happen again,” Snow explains, as Regina tries to detach herself from the situation.

Regina feels faint as the blood rushes to her head. “You’re – you’re going to kill her?” Regina ascertains the conclusion incredulously.

“Yes, I think it’s the only way,” Snow smiles sadly at Regina. “She’s- she’s not like you. There’s no hope for her.”

“But she is me,” Regina spits, her chest beginning to heave as she wraps her arms protectively around her middle.

“The worst parts of you,” Snow reminds gently placing her hand over Regina’s forearm.

Regina pulls from her grasp angerly.

“I figured you might react this way,” Snow warns. “which is why it’s happening down in the square right now.”

Regina impulsively turns to run out the door, hearing Snow’s cry of “You can’t stop this, Regina. It’s for the best,” before remembering she has magic.

The Queen is tied up to a tree and Regina shudders at the vivid visualization of her once anxious dream. The Queen looks pleased as she flashes a manic smile to the crowd of on lookers, her stare finally meeting Regina’s in a harsh plea to not get involved.

Regina suddenly materializes right next to the Queen. “If you kill her, you going to have to kill me too!” Regina taunts. The Queen hisses at Regina to stop before it all comes tumbling down. The flip of the coin from sadness to madness.

“I knew all along she wasn’t Emma,” Regina raves voice frantic with too much adrenaline. “I willingly played along. I’m just as much to blame as her. Want to string me to the tree too!? Can’t you see how grisly you’re being! You all deem me able to change, so why can’t she?!” Her rant continues hysterically until she collapses in fit of laughter and sobs. By then the crowd had mostly dissolved, leaving only Snow, David, Emma, and Archie to pick up the pieces of their desolate Mayor. 


	8. Chapter 8

Regina sits on the cot crying as the Queen paces the cell. The Queen lectures at Regina’s tiny, collapsed frame, “You stupid, stupid girl. Insolent.” She shakes her head in frustration.

“I couldn’t just stand by and let that happen to you,” Regina cries her voice hard.

“Those were my wishes,” the Queen reminds coldly.

Regina bits the inside of her lip. “But I love you,” her voice small as she looks up at the menacing caricature of herself. “Regina.”

Many emotions cloud the face of the Queen at once, shock, dismay, anger, then something much more genuine and she replies, “I – I love you too- always have.” The Queen locks eyes Regina momentarily before turning away in discomfort at her own vulnerability, striding aside warping her arms around her stomach protectively.

Regina lurches to be near to her other half. Lips crush together in fiery longing.

“I’m gunna go,” David awkwardly excuses himself as the kiss grows in intensity.

A blast of magic reverberates again the stone walls of the jail and suddenly one Regina remains in the cell, who promptly collapses. Emma runs into the cell in a panic, forgetting all the anger she had be channeling for Regina.

~0~

Emma sits on the yellow plastic chair of the hospital room. Her butt aches from the hard feel and hours spent there sitting awkwardly and her eyes swollen from the sharp fluorescent light and the too many emotions that had been swimming within them.

“I’m still mad at you. This changes nothing,” Emma grunts when she looks over and notices Regina has awoken.

“I know,” Regina sighs. “I was stupid. I was selfish…” She pinches the bridge of her nose.

“The Queen _gleefully_ confessed to me all the lewd details of your relationship,” Emma intones, a hint of scorn lacing her voice.

Regina’s head turns down to focus on the sterile sheets beneath her.

“I get she used you, but that’s fucked up, Regina. What do you want me to say?” Emma inquires blankly.

“She didn’t,” Regina speaks hushed tones. “I used her!” her voice suddenly booming with more volatile energy than intended. Tears stream down Regina’s face. And Emma leaves it at that for a while, whilst Regina calms down.

“Do you miss her?” Emma asks innocently curious.

“I don’t know,” Regina answers honestly trying to figure that out herself. Regina stares off into the trees beyond the window. She remembers the walks she would take when Emma had been gone, all the pain there, hugging herself desperately to rid the longing in her chest. She remembers the stroll she took with the Queen their hands secretly intertwined inside her coat pocket. Trees are a funny thing.

It’s in our dreams that we pull people toward us, and Regina blames herself for Emma’s sudden reappearance, but deep down she knows it wasn’t her calling that brought Emma back, because on that fateful day one person seemed very aware of what was to come. The Queen had missed Emma as much as she had.

“I haven’t forgiven you, for what you did. But, while I was away, I realized something, if I stay angry forever, I lose two people I love instead of just one…” Emma confesses as she nervously tucks a strand of hair behind her ear. “That’s - uh why I came back.” Emma shuffles her feet, her boots squeaking slightly against the tile floor.

Regina’s face crumples in disbelief. She blinks her eyes to flush the tears that threaten to spill.

_In that moment you realize the woman you can’t get out of your head loves you back. You thought she could never forgive you. That you were doomed to love with all your heart someone who despised and hated you. But you see a glimpse of hope in her shining eyes and you tell yourself maybe … Maybe you can have a future with her._

“Henry didn’t do anything to deserve my leaving,” Emma continues. Her words like a runaway freight train come crashing down.

Regina’s brain stalls and switches gears, feeling so utterly stupid and lost, how conceited was she to think Emma was talking about her. She gracelessly swipes her sleeve across her face to remove the wet shimmer that had risen up for an entirely different reason.

“Oh, Henry, right,” she chokes out.

“Maybe not just Henry,” Emma corrects. Regina’s heart leaps. “I mean my parents are here, my whole life is here.” And it falls faster and harder than before. “Everyone I love…” she murmurs.

“Who else besides Henry and your parents do you love?” Regina questions her voice barely audible, over the buzzing of the lights and the beeping of the monitors. Regina hears her heart pounding in her ears.

After a long breath Emma whispers, “You know who, Regina,” her eyes downcast.

“I need to her you say it,” Regina pleads at a near silent volume.

“I’m not sure you deserve that…” Emma whispers.

“Well then, I suppose you should probably leave,” Regina tries to keep her voice hard.

“Well, I’m not sure you deserve that either,” Emma chuckles.

“Oh?”

“I- I don’t know, Regina. I – you’re right, maybe I should leave.”

“Stay,” Regina reaches helplessly, her pretense of a hard exterior gone, as her eyes bubble with unshed tears. “I wish things could have happened differently,” she finishes lamely gazing down at her own hands, hands that killed Hook.

“Yeah, me too, Regina. Me too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cleaned out all my drafts of this story, hope someone enjoys. Will probably end it here, unless people want it more resolved.


End file.
